That’s Your Horoscope for this week, February 2012

By: Joshua Jordon, Dan Cunning 

Aquarius: Jan. 20 – Feb. 18
Once again this week the campus bully, aptly named “ham-fists”, will greet you with a meaty punch to the torso followed by an atomic wedgie. The good news, relatively speaking, is that while you are writhing in agony, “ham-fists” will admit that, out of all her students, you are the most fun to punch in the gut. Score!

Pisces: Feb. 19 – March 20
This week, you should brew a “magic” potion to boost your clairvoyance. Mix one locket of Bob Saget’s chest hair in a cup of Sunny D and sip leisurely while enjoying the latest smooth jazz collaboration between Tupac Shakur and Angela Lansbury. Then write your own horoscope.

Aries: March 21 – April 19
This week, instead of trying to be “that dude in class with the awesome beard,” perhaps you should set your sights on the more realistic goal of being “that dude in class that finally washed his hair.” That’s right Helmet-Hair McLacksInHygiene … you stink and everyone around you ‘nose’ it.

Taurus: April 20 – May 20
This week you will be struck by a nugget of wisdom that will leave you enlightened, joyous, and renewed. You will also be struck by a handbag-wielding grandmother. Shortly thereafter you will be struck by lightning. Then you will be struck by a pumpkin (thrown by an ape). This may seem like bad news, but you’ll be singing a different tune once you discover a pumpkin seed that slightly resembles Mick Jagger.

Gemini: May 21 – June 20
Your romance has fallen on rocky times. Don’t give up, friend. Focus on what you love about your most important relationship, and before you know it you will have made amends and you can continue your lives in utmost harmony. Besides maintaining your happiness, you’ll remain the coolest student on campus by repairing your bond with your life-size David Hasselhoff baseball card.

Cancer: June 21 – July 22
Your ill-advised plan to tattoo the full contents of the dollar menu on your back will turn out shockingly well this week. And by well I mean horribly. And by this week I mean forever.

Leo: July 23 – Aug. 22
Having that semi-formed 6th toe on your left foot will be the factor that changes this week from mediocre to splendid. This drastic change in fortune will occur when, while chewing on what appears to be a toe-nail spouting from that toe, you dislodge a popcorn kernel that has been stuck in your teeth for 3 years.

Virgo: Aug. 23 – Sept. 22
Your severe case of “French-sized cranial-magnus” gives you two legitimate shots at making it in this world. Either open up a big-and-tall hat store, or pioneer the almost certain next big thing: fake toupees.

Libra: Sept. 23 – Oct. 22
After years of agonizing, you will finally garner the courage to push the “Tweet” button this week. Baring your deepest desires, you will unveil your lifelong secret for your friends, family, and the entire world to scrutinize: “Michael Bolton, I kno U dont know me. But i luv you and ur funky trumpet solos. Marry me, plz. I’ll brade ur pony tail.” The bad news: MB will turn you down. You’ll face the gaping wounds of humiliation, criticism, shock. The good news: you didn’t have any followers anyway.

Scorpio: Oct. 23 – Nov. 21
This week while mining for golden nuggets in your left nostril, you’ll discover your long lost Barbie Doll. At the reunion party, Barbie will reveal a shocking secret: she’s not a real Barbie, but a cheap Chinese knock-off named Berbie! After the guests leave the party in disgust, sell her to some unsuspecting sap on eBay for $1,000 and purchase some glue-on dreadlocks for your cat. Cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha-ching!

Sagittarius: Nov. 22 – Dec. 21
If luck were measured by the size of your foot, you would likely hit the lottery this week. Sadly, it isn’t. You are just another schmoe… only with awkwardly large clown feet.

Capricorn: Dec. 22 – Jan. 19
Your best friend, Stan-the-Ape, will reveal to you this week that he is in fact an 800 pound gorilla. He will choose to reveal this secret to you while jamming a banana into your right ear. Also, he will give you the most severe wedgie ever recorded. Also, he isn’t really your best friend.

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